October Reflections

In my last post, I was reflecting on the lockdown period and what I learned in those months. Since then, I think I have been trying to take my own advice and implement those changes into my own life, which is why I haven’t written a post for a while.

I thought to myself, I’m not even doing the things I wrote about in my own blog. How can I write about self-love if, at this moment, I don't even feel love for myself or I'm not actively showing love to myself?

By definition, self-love is a regard for one's own well-being and happiness. So those are the moments where I should and can write about self-love; to answer my own question. That's why I began writing in the first place – for my own well-being and happiness.

I write on the good days but more importantly I want to write on the bad days because I don’t think it’s spoken about enough.

To be honest, I have really been struggling with my mental health – I feel a lot of us have been recently- and I thought it was just the lasting effects of lockdown.

But in truth, it’s the lasting effects of years of running away from my own self – my issues, emotions, and the overall condition of my inner state- and this year has stopped me in my tracks and forced me to face myself.

There are so many things that I’m still learning and understanding about myself and life itself.

This process of growing and healing really requires a level of self- compassion that I have never really shown myself and so, I find myself being too hard on myself.

With that, comes self-doubt and negative self-talk that I’ve been trying to counteract with positive affirmations, gratitude, actions that make me feel good, and prayer.

In saying that, this requires a lot of energy as I'm not used to it yet and there are days where I slip up, and that’s okay. I don’t remember where I heard/read this but I found it really interesting:

“Feeling depressed, sad, anxious, feels safe. Joy, happiness, optimism feels dangerous.”

I’ve realised I’m used to thinking and feeling negatively so it's become familiar and predictable – which makes me feel safe. But I understand that this is hindering my growth and how I go about my day to day life.

It will take time to change these negative thought patterns and behaviours but it’s just another opportunity to grow.

At times when I do feel happy or I am in a good place, I think to myself, it’s only a matter of time until I slip up and when that time comes – which it always does because we are always faced with challenges- it's painful to feel those good feelings fade.

But everything in life is temporary- emotions being one of them. It’s okay to feel whatever it is that you feel, just know that it is just a temporary state.

On top of that, life is always changing and so are we. I’m learning to focus on the positives and the things that I can change while accepting the things that I can’t.

It’s a long, difficult, and painful process to grow and heal, and if you are going through the same thing you are only becoming a better version of yourself in the process; it’s part of the process of unbecoming all the things that you are not.

I share my experiences in the hopes that someone may benefit from it and know that they are not alone in how they are feeling.

💗I always reply to messages on Instagram if you would like to talk about anything that I have written about.💗