Dream Diversion

I had to disappear for a while, to figure out what I really want from life, to reflect. It’s coming to that time of year where I divert my energy inwards and find myself seeking and craving more time alone to think and process the past year. I’ve pieced together a few insights I’ve had over the last few months.

There was a point this summer where I felt...

Zoned out & Disconnected.

Recently I’ve been feeling robotic, and on autopilot, accustomed to the same daily routine and listening to the same recycled thoughts day by day. It’s like playing the same song over and over - you're bored to death, but your phones broken so you can't press next. I’ve noticed that I’m feeling disconnected from myself and from life.

It’s a strange place to be in and hard to put into words so here’s...

An insight into my mind.

Have you ever seen your life's passion unravel in front of you? Your dreams unfold and you just find yourself, standing at the centre of it all waiting to feel all the things you expected to feel – joy, happiness, relief, gratitude. But those feelings never come and instead your met with exhaustion, overwhelm, burn out.

I thought I knew what I wanted from life, and who and what I wanted to be.

But in truth, we are constantly growing and changing. Along my dance journey, I started to question if this is what I really wanted.

I had given my all, everything that I could give, and I was left with a feeling of nothingness as if everything I had worked hard for, were all for nothing. I was, in a sense, heartbroken. Something that I have loved all my life caused me pain and displeasure to the point of questioning – am I falling out of love with what I thought was my life's passion? The only thing I have told myself that I am good at. And the more it unravelled, the more I did too, along with it all.

Inner chaos.

I had this expectation of what I wanted things to look like and how I wanted to live out each of these moments but sometimes life doesn’t happen the way you meticulously designed it in your head – sometimes, life just happens and it’s our expectations and our wanting to control everything that disappoints us and sets us back.

The process.

In order to truly love something, you have to love and appreciate all that comes with it - including the process and the journey because that makes up the majority of the final product. But during the process of training and rehearsals, I constantly felt broken down and had even injured myself. Constantly at war with myself for not being ‘good enough’, constantly battling negative thoughts, pushing myself past my limits and forcing myself to get through the toughest of days.

I came to realise it’s all about mindset – as cliché as it sounds. My relationship with dance became tarnished because of my own mindset and perspective towards it – I felt as though I had to be perfect, that I couldn’t make mistakes and if I didn’t live up to the expectations that were put onto me by myself and others, I wasn't good enough. I struggled with validating myself and always sought it from others – and still do.

In the same breath, my feelings were, and still are, valid. The feelings of inadequacy, exhaustion, and anxiety were all very real to me. A lot of this came down to comparison but also pressure from myself, to do the best and be the best 100% of the time. But it only drove me further away from my love for dance.

I had to step back and start amending my mindset and relationship to dance – and also, heal.

I’m not alone, I have support from those around me. But ultimately, it’s only me that can get myself through and out of this place.

I was left in a place where I could no longer trust my sense of direction, no longer trust myself. It felt like my best wasn’t enough. And even after all the accomplishments, I still didn’t think I was good enough.

There comes a point where you realise that you have to give yourself what you need – you have to learn what you need and how to give that to yourself.

I can't constantly look to others to provide me with something I’ve never even provided myself with. Because how will they ever know how to meet my needs if I don’t know how to do that for myself.

I’ve realised it doesn’t matter what I do, who I’m with, how much money I have – and all the material matters of this life – if I don’t cultivate peace and love and happiness within myself, everything outside of myself will feel distant – I won't be able to be fully present with each experience and cherish them. Deep healing is required – I am finding myself and my love for dance again.

It’s ok. To be in this place that you are in right now, however that looks like. Each phase of life requires a different you, so just sit, and flow within that.

Everything is always changing, including ourselves and our dreams along with us. Re-direction doesn’t mean you have given up. It simply means your perspective on what you want has changed. Maybe certain environments no longer serve you and you purpose.

A big take away from this experience is that, dance doesn’t have to be my whole life, and all that I am. We are more than all the labels and boxes we try to force ourselves in – we are and can be everything and so much more. I am allowing myself to live and just be in this stage of life.

I've been letting go of my attachment to the material and the physical that make up ‘my identity’.

And maybe this is something you can start doing if it resonates with you.

Love,

Yazz