I Was Toxic

The perceptions towards the subject of toxicity makes many of us think, ‘That could never be me!’. We couldn’t imagine ourselves capable of possessing qualities and traits so poisonous. But the truth is, we are all capable of being toxic.

Many times, we find ourselves so submerged in situations and relationships – whether that be with a significant other, friend, or family member- that we cannot see the toxic nature of it. We cannot see how we are contributing to it; how we are choosing to feed into this energy.

How can someone be toxic? I think the main attributes consist of, gossiping, jealousy, always needing to be right, not taking responsibility for your actions/ reactions, consistently wanting your needs met without regard for the other persons needs and wellbeing, using people for what they provide and how that benefits you rather than a mutual and fair ‘give and take’- This can most times be unintentional. The list goes on.

Being toxic is poison to yourself and those around you. And it’s not to say that we are bad people, but we need to direct a mirror towaeds our inner being and look deep within at what’s been reflected back to us.

I’ve been in many toxic environments and relationships. I fell into certain environments and situations where I felt like I had no choice but to stay and suffer but the truth is, I could have left, I just didn’t know any better. I became my environment. I was dehydrated and the only source of hydration at the time was contaminated.

The poison entered my system and I became everything I didn’t want to be. I’ve been clearing out the poison and I’ve come to realise that although I had no intentions at all to be this way, once I took a step back and started healing, only then did I realise my toxic tendencies.

I would say my most prominent toxic trait was my lack of communication when it came to expressing how I felt and perhaps this isn’t typically seen as a toxic trait but it certainly led to toxic ways of being. I am still working on this till this day.

This led to tension and misunderstandings; it created a dynamic where it was difficult for others to interact with me and instead, they withdrew and this really hurt those closest to me and it played into my childhood wound of not feeling seen and being misunderstood.

I grew up in an environment where thoughts and feelings were unspoken of and dealt with behind closed doors, alone, in silence. My thoughts and feelings weren't validated and I felt like I had no place to express them openly and freely.

This bled into my adult relationships and impacted how I interacted with people. I thought, people should know how I feel from how I’m acting, they done me wrong so they should apologise/ make it up to me.

But as we all know, no one can read minds. The other person may not even have a clue as to how or why you are acting the way you are – unless you speak up for yourself and communicate your thoughts/ feelings. Those unrealistic expectations I put onto others is unfair and added strain to the relationship and I unintentionally pushed people away.

I struggled to believe that I had an issue with communication and I fell into a place where I wanted to blame everything and everyone but myself.

But I had to come to terms with the reality that I need to make some changes and I first had to take responsibility for myself. I am learning to heal the hurt of past traumas so it can stop bleeding into my present life.

A lot of us are operating from a place of pain and unresolved trauma, it's no surprise we may find ourselves in toxic environments with toxic people. Knowing the roots of your pain can help you understand yourself on a deeper level and start opening up the doors to a greater self-awareness.

Then we can decipher that how we are acting is damaging ourselves and those around us. It leads us to blame everything outside of ourselves rather than looking within because we don’t know how to sit with the pain.

While reading The Art of Communication by Thich Nhat Hanh, I have realised that compassion and understanding are the key. This involves knowing the right ways to say what's on your mind while also having the ability to listen deeply to another person. I highly recommend this book as it gives an insight as to why you may be struggling in some of your relationships.

It all begins with you. When you can do these things for yourself, you can freely give to others because you know how to and your cup is full.

We have to remember; we are responsible for ourselves. It is our duty to do the inner work to grow out of who we’re not, and into who we truly are.

Love,

Yazz