Feeling the feelings

So... it’s been a while! Lol. But I’m back and here's an update. I tried summarising the last 4 months but honestly, there's a lot to say, but I'm just going to highlight the key things I've taken away from the past 4 months.

Where have I been? I had to ghost for a while and as much as I wanted to post consistently and share how I was feeling, I mentally and physically couldn’t keep up with it – I was trying to keep up with myself and still am.

In October I realised how mentally burnt out I felt and I knew I needed a lot of time to figure out how I feel, why I feel that way, and just feel it so I can move past it. For so long I denied myself space to just be – to just feel – without question or judgement, so I gave myself that space.

At times, I feel like my feelings and experiences aren't valid and sometimes I choose to ignore how I’m feeling because I’m scared.

Scared of feeling. Scared that the more I feel, the deeper I would dive into the darkness and pain that I spent so long and tried so hard to hide. Scared of what I would find. Scared that I might not be able to come back from it. And that’s why I always try and run away from myself.

When I say darkness and pain, I mean past traumas that I wasn’t even fully aware of and experiences that caused me to suppress my emotions and start forming toxic habits to help me cope with my emotions because I didn’t know any better and that has had its lasting effects on me.

Healing can be very exhausting and it sounds weird but, I had to take a break from it.

New Year's Eve comes about and that night, I told my mum how much I appreciate her and her support throughout the year. I apologised to her because I knew how hard it was – how hard it is – to be around me when I’m struggling with my mental health.

Long story short, I finally spoke up about how I was really feeling – depressed and anxious. For a long time, I felt that I wasn’t allowed to feel depressed, as if I’m not entitled to feel that way. That kind of thinking is harmful and damaging to my mental health - to anyone's mental health

I could finally say no, I’m not okay, Yes, I’m depressed and it’s OK!!

A month ago, I decided to start exercising again. I had gained a bit of weight from lockdown and from comfort eating - one of my toxic habits. I also started doing more things that make me feel good like going on long walks and spending time alone.

It’s been a month of consistently exercising and I’ve noticed small changes, not just physically, but mentally too. More things are beginning to align and I happy with the small progress I’ve made.

Hiding and rejecting your emotions and how you feel takes up more energy than just being honest with yourself and the people around you.

Where there is light, there are also shadows. It really is okay to feel however you do. We heal through feeling.

We do not grow in the face of resistance, but flourish in the presence of LOVE and ACCEPTANCE.